Screwed again : all day. Weak and weary. I am to see the new Doc tomorrow but I also got a call from North Bello saying the scan shows scarring and inflammation of the liver and they want to see me. From fitness and a clear head to muddledheaded and feeble in a day.
STAY CALM THIS TIME. STAY CALM.
AT some stage today I realised how many decisions I have made in the last two years which have been determined by fear and trauma.I thought for a few hours that I was coming good but now I am back in there. I WOULD think that this might get better like so many of the other symptoms have done. Just a little more slowly than I hope.
My Girls delivered food and laughs and jokes and love. I can breathe now. I was struggling during the day.
I DID get up and use the puffer and it seems to have helped. Best get a replacement.
Another thing that I realised today and which is rather intimidating, is that I am being left more and more of the time without illness to explain my behaviour. Left with the emotional repercussions and their side effects. That’s scarey for a few reasons.
People are less inclined to help. Well, that’s what I think anyway.
And I, myself, expect me to be able to handle it better. Today, I was left with no “good” reason for being unable to get myself to town or stay out of bed.
Ah well. I shall go gently at it. If I do something which I consider foolish or weak, it don’t matter. It don’t matter at all.
I do not like living here because I have no security and other matters exist. I won’t speak about them but they are troubling me very much. Trouble is – I don’t see anywhere I can move to.
And now at the end of the day. I’m watching Chicago Fire and one of the firefighters has ITP – the low platelet disorder which I also have. Sweet Lord. The firefighter is a-sitting there crying and they tell him that’s OK – but me. I am trying to handle the whole lot of this by myself and I am fucked.
Now I shall attempt to go to bed like an ordinary person.