THINKING IN THE RAIN

PONY

It looks like I get my car back this week. Whoa ! That should change things. Its not all that easy coming back from the Brink. Then from months and in fact years of illness and Grief. Sometimes, I don’t want to improve. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of. I get plain scared and jumpy. I become frightened that I will have more on my plate than I can handle. I also become frightened that things will go grossly wrong as they have done so often in the last couple of years.

BUT another part of me is healing and recovering and THIS COULD BE SOOO GOOD !

IT will mean I can go to town. Out to meetings. Visit the Kids. Go shopping and generally freak out.

I was a Driver. Drove all over the place and loved it. My confidence has been shot – but I shall do it again. The car is shoddy which is a shame. I did have an Alfa Romeo which I loved but it broke down. So I ought this one from a old friend and I lent it to my Girl till they were settled into their new home and it has pretty much fallen apart around their ears with things that were wrong with it when we bought it. The roof lining is even falling down and it takes 2 sets of keys to lock and start it and I don’t think the heater works – but HEY. Here we go ! Next stage of recovery. They are coming into possession of another vehicle and GO ME !

I have not been hospitalised this year. Only one Accident and Emergency visit and home with antibiotics.

I am dragging my way out of the primeval ooze. I have experienced this re-driving several times in my life.

  1. when I got clean and sober and hadn’t driven for years I had a mass of skills to relearn. Like catching buses and living in a city. I didn’t drive much in that time. I used public transport and walked a good deal.
  2. Then when I came back to the Bush in 1994, I bought a Barina and began driving again. I was scared then too.
  3. In early 2000s I went to Armidale without a vehicle and then on to the Gold Coast and back on buses and walking. Then I inherited Mum’s car which I drove till 2013 when Izzy bought me the Alfa. I had become a little rusty because I left most of the driving to Iz but I was still confident and comfortable in the partnership and adequate finances.
  4. Then, I went into the Coma in September 2014 and driving dropped away. When I decided I was well enough to get into it again, the Alfa blew up. The the Kids became carless so Kaybee has been my main form of transport.
  5. Now – the car is returning to me. I shall need to find a place to park it and put petrol in it and such matters I also need to trust my body again. I think I may be ready to do that.

So – next stage of Recovery with all the little hidden hurdles. Next stage of Freedom.

P.S. Now I get to Facetime with Eden 3 nights per week.

I cannot tell you how good it is not to be paralysed and tormented with fear every single day. How amazing to have flickers of hope. To have no physical pain !  Tonight – is GOOD.

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z isand

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