Today was my first day in a year or so with a car and the first one in 2 1/2 years where I am well enough to be at ease and able to getting and out of the vehicle easily and to move about OK.
I got up early and I went to the Urunga Meeting. Drove myself. How terribly ill I have been. How staggered in Grief.
I have had days and days now of strength and comfort and hope. Days of forming the new patterns.
Today I drove into Urunga and Bellingen and it was familiar and easy. That hasn’t happened since Izzy died in June of 2014.
I would like to have words to outline the ” Process” I have been and am going through – but words have had little value to me for a long time. Beyond the words lies something else.
GIVE YOUR WHOLE SOUL OVER.
Beyond the words lie the mysteries of spirit and heart .
Other people are more gifted with the words than I am.
Other people are more able to detach and write from a less emotionally affected personal stance.
I can only do what I do.
Today Big J told me that he thought the life force was going to leave me. So have I thought – often.
The last few months, it has seemed stronger.
I register days like this – like the last couple of weeks when the Odd Peace of God comes – seemingly unrelated to the material world.
I am once more becoming better at sitting right in the middle of the wellness that comes suddenly and neither predicting nor fearing its staying or going.
I am tucked in for the night and thinking back over this first holiday and getting my head a little more in order.
I am in my world of the Internet – a most wonderful Haven. I get great pleasure from being able to LEARN and communicate with the entire world. I get great pleasure from the photography and the music.
I DO NOT LIKE MY BED and will think about changing it. It has OUR mattress on it and I don’t want it anymore. I want a minimum of possessions until I have what I call HOME. I shall get a single bed. This is not home, this flat. And for tonight it doesn’t matter.
If I stay well, I shall make some Plans.
PLAN PLANS NOT RESULTS.
Here are a couple I am throwing into the Witch’s Brew of my Life.
stay here till the perfect home comes to me as it has done so often before
go visit Lismore. Nic and Gaz and Heg and more.
get to other meetings
take the focus off my kids and give them room to breathe and form their own paths
SOME SHOTS OF SYDNEY.