Its Sunday and I had plans which I don’t feel up to carrying out so I shall just take a look at the points from the last post and see what they mean to me.
LATE NOTICE : I DID carry out some of the plans after all and went into town to No 5 Church Street for the Open Mic that Annie runs. I sat with JayTee and Bren and ate chips, drank ginger lemonade and talked into the dark hours. The beautiful MaMo had baked arancinis and we all came home with one. Lunch tomorrow.
1. “The guilt.
I sure do feel guilty. I feel like I am failing some anonymous everyone. I feel like I should move my car from the driveway when I am the old woman here and tired. I just plain feel guilty. For not going to the shop and not cooking and not giving my kids enough money. Crippling, useless guilt.
2. “The constant merry-go-round of feelings, going between acceptance, depression and anger
Its like being back in early recovery from addiction. More emotions in one day than is warranted or normal. Up – down – sideways – round.
Then the sorrow pours in . The shattering grief. The other night i came across a pic of Izzy before we paired up. I had taken it on a music night in Bilambil and he was looking at me and smiling. The world of hope began back then in 2007. Now its gone. And I am mostly gone.
I am less cross grained than I have been over the last few years but it still comes on me and seething resentments at the way my life has gone and at what it is now.
That’s the one thing that is beginning to settle. At last. It has been shock after shock for 3 years.
6. PTSD from medical trauma.
I haven’t ventured in that diagnosis but I am damned sure its true.
7. “I had relentless, overwhelming despair
Once again – easing somewhat but hovering nonetheless – only a thought away.
8. “I never expected the level of empathy I now feel.
I don’t think this one is specially true for me. I have still been too enclose in the hard shell of my own hurt and need for help.
ABSOLUTELY. That’s all I am saying. Worthlessness is now the cloak I am wrapped in.
10. “The constant use of humour or sarcasm to get through the day.