Teaching beyond teaching:
No leaning on words and letters
Since Izzy died and then the Coma – words have lost much of their meaning for me.
Sitting quietly in a hut
White clouds rising over the mountain.
Today I did my washing at Kate’s and I also looked at a small flat. I liked it but will sleep on it because I don’t wish to make another mistake as big as the one here. It is a small space and there is a woman and her 4 year old living above me like Lisa lives here – BUT – it is not dark and even from bed I can see out. The Kids are only a couple of doors away. Its very clean and away from the noise and underlying savagery of this end of the street I am in now. Hopefully away from the excessive alcohol and drug consumption as well. I probably need to at least meet the girl upstairs. I do not wish to live with shattering codependency or insanity again.
I would have liked a less steep access path and a lower rent. I would have liked a separate dwelling. We will see. WE will see.
One beautiful thing – for me- was that the girls walked up with me and then were able to walk home by themselves.
I tell you something. Since Iz died and then the Coma I have been aspiring to a lifestyle I had passed through years ago. Subtly but it is true. And it has torn at me. I had removed myself from much of the outside and the straight world for a long time and here I have been, as I did in early recovery from addiction, and indeed in my first adulthood as a teacher – aspiring to a Normality as if they would mean I was well . As if I would then be safe.
Then this week came and the light dimmed even further. The misery twisted around my spirit and I was lost.
Then I came to this place again. And here is where I love to be .
Here is where I sat on the mountain in Bilambil.
Here is the answer to the call I had even as a little Methodist girl and as a heroin addict.
Three years I have been wandering in the wilderness. Now I glimpse – just the barest of glimpsing.
I glimpse my world again. Perhaps the Birds will come to this place. They do not come in close here. I feel as if I have been poisoned for months. And no birds come. Plants grow timid and fragile.
I do not see the sky here.
I see neither sun nor moon.
Now to work out how to do this thing.
Because , I need to bring my spirit away from the harshness.
Cutting the human yes and no.
To live with white clouds deep in the mountain,
the brushwood door shut.
This is a good influence for heavy mental work and for tasks that require disciplined thinking. Your critical faculties are sharp and your standards are high. However, you won’t find it easy to communicate with others; either you will have difficulty being understood, or you will give a more negative impression than you intended. This is not a good time for important negotiations or business transactions because communications between you and the other parties will probably be delayed or misinterpreted. Also it will be difficult to make the right kind of positive impression in such a situation, so delay personal contact until another day. Today you are able to think very practically, but do not let this practicality turn into narrow- mindedness or a total lack of vision.