A pretty floppy day all round really. My head is racing planning the move because I don’t want to do it but I do want to go and I am not sure about the new flat at all and need some divine intervention to get my head working about it. Kaybee didn’t bring me my sausage rolls. C’est la vie. So as usual I slept. Then – I went to town and had a grand old chat in the street with someone whose name I don’t know and then I went to NA.
Thing is I did not take any photos at all today so any images I post are from the past. Like the one up above which is the Poppy and me in Armidale in 2006. Mini-Me they called her. She lives far away now – 1000kms away and is a teenager.
The losses of this last 3 years stagger me almost to the point of vomiting at times. And then I get a wee glimpse of things getting better. Just a wee glimpse. The people at the NA meeting say they will help me too. I need to be orderly in my thinking and in my communication and actions now. I need to put emotionalism aside and simply proceed.
This next image says a lot to me. When I came out of the coma in 2014 and was beaten into despair and began to doubt God, Fellowship , EVERYTHING. A friend on Facebook asked if she could use my photos for an exhibition in the USA and I said sure. Didn’t much care who did what or what happened. So she ends me the promo and I look up the address online and damn me if it isn’t just a few blocks from Dr Bob’s house in Akron Ohio. Virtually the birthplace of AA.
I was right mad at that time because noone seemed to be helping me but in looking back, no ordinary person could have helped. I still have great disdain for the officialdom and medicos but I am no longer so hurt about the people. They would not have known how to handle me. I could not handle myself.
Lets see what image comes up next.
Well thats me and the Saf way back. Outside Bellingen’s IGA store. That’s where I met someone today and had a yarn and then did my shopping for dinner. Worts organic ginger drink and a lentil pie. I am kind of accepting that all the Kids are not so much a part of my life anymore and that has been painful.I have done it before. I have done it before and always something good has come out of it. I still credit these little girls with bringing me the desire to continue living. Its not often that it has been as fragile in me as it has been since 2014.
I mentioned at the meeting today that I planned to move and the offers of help were there – en masse. I am even swapping my double bed for a single which will give me more room and simplify things. Some women will come and help me pack small things. I do not pretend that I am entirely happy with my next choice but I am happy to have decided to leave this situation NO MATTER WHAT.
When I left Tugun back in 2003 or so I ended up in a very poor situation with a woman out on Urliup Road but it was short lived and was the precursor to BILAMBIL where I was very happy indeed.
NEXT memory awakener.
We used to do the beaches. The Kids lived in Kingscliff, up near the Queensland Border and was in Bilambil and we would meet and play. I loved those times. I find it hard away from the ocean and the river. Hard away from the Little Ones.
Rose always chased seagulls. ALWAYS.
One more memory tickler for the night.
In the middle of winter, I come up with another Northern Pic in summertime at Fingal Head Lighthouse. If nothing else happens to me in this lifetime, I have many wonderful things to ruminate upon. Just get me to a safe residence now and allow me my reflections.
The forests of medieval Europe once evoked not only terror but sanctuary, filled not only with wolves, witches, and goblins, but also with hermits, and with kind spirits of water and trees.
a bird landed today
i sat with the mother of my children’s brothers
and a bird landed.