Category Archives: TRAVELLING


Today was my first day in a year or so with a car and the first one in 2 1/2 years where I am well enough to be at ease and able to getting and out of the vehicle easily and to move about OK.

I got up early and I went to the Urunga Meeting. Drove myself. How terribly ill I have been. How staggered in Grief.

I have had days and days now of strength and comfort and hope. Days of forming the new patterns.

Today I drove into Urunga and Bellingen and it was familiar and easy. That hasn’t happened since Izzy died in June of 2014.

I would like to have words to outline the ” Process” I have been and am going through – but words have had little value to me for a long time. Beyond the words lies something else.


Beyond the words lie the mysteries of spirit and heart .

Other people are more gifted with the words than I am.

Other people are more able to detach and write from a less emotionally affected personal stance.

I can only do what I do.

Today Big J told me that he thought the life force was going to leave me. So have I thought – often.

The last few months, it has seemed stronger.

I register days like this – like the last couple of weeks when the Odd Peace of God comes – seemingly unrelated to the material world.

I am once more becoming better at sitting right in the middle of the wellness that comes suddenly and neither predicting nor fearing its staying or going.

I am tucked in for the night and thinking back over this first holiday and getting my head a little more in order.

I am in my world of the Internet – a most wonderful Haven. I get great pleasure from being able to LEARN and communicate with the entire world. I get great pleasure from the photography  and the music.

I DO NOT LIKE MY BED and will think about changing it. It has OUR mattress on it and I don’t want it anymore. I want a minimum of possessions until I have what I call HOME. I shall get a single bed. This is not home, this flat. And for tonight it doesn’t matter.

If I stay well, I shall make some Plans.


Here are a couple I am throwing into the Witch’s Brew of my Life.

stay here till the perfect home comes to me as it has done so often before

go visit Lismore. Nic and Gaz and Heg and more.


get to other meetings




take the focus off my kids and give them room to breathe and form their own paths




I am back in Bellingen now. That is singularly the most I have been able to do for a couple of years and the lightest I have felt.

I saw Sydney and flew in planes and the savage isolation and dependency was eased for a couple of weeks.

I am back and the cloak of unhappiness is settling on me once more. I have decisions to make and the foundations on which I was making them no longer hold true. I don’t have anyone to make a home with after all. No matter. One day done. I have been to Mosman and flown on planes and spent my granddaughter’s 4th birthday with her and I am home. I do not need to make any decision tonight. Bed and Book and leaving you with a slideshow of some of the things I have been doing and wonder why my Kids don’t really like me or want me.

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We shopped today and enjoyed it but I have hit a sudden place inside. The decision I make about where I live – well – lets not make it around my children or grandchildren. I don’t think my self-esteem can handle much more of it.

It needs to be meetings based. I do not know where that leaves me and  I have been to afraid and too sad to think of it before but I rather think that’s where I am being led.


Having a good time and not that keen on going home. I got a lift to Merimbula Meeting today with a man who lives off grid with his wife. We all had coffee did the meeting and generally had a good time.

I have a few meetings in me now and tickets booked for the trip back. First I have  1/2 days with myKids here.  Feeling pretty good.


Day before Yesterday I flew from Coffs Harbour to Merimbula. It is really only two 1 hour flights but I spent 5 hours in the middle at Sydney Airport with my brother and Arkue. I enjoyed it very much but was mighty tired by nighttime when I took the REX flight for the last stage. I had a deal of trouble breathing as I  got on board. I sat next to a Chinese Gent who asked me a series of questions about my health. It turned out that he was a locum on his way to Bega Hospital and he was so kind to me and carried all my luggage off. It is a great pleasure to be out and away and seeing new things and people. Restricted though I am.

Yesterday Poppy and I went shopping in Eden and I was happy and today I have been sleeping and quite content with Jaybee at work and Poppy back out in the bush.  Its Easter this weekend.

Down here in the South there is a chill in the air. The Snowy Mountains are not far away. I have 2 granddaughters down here and a son.

I would like to give living here a try but I don’t fancy leaving the Little Girls up North. I am hoping some pattern will form where I can go between the two. I would also like to get more meetings in there as well.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy the flying. How much I like having life around me. I feel as though I am buried alive in the Den. The plane struck turbulence and then we flew in the dark – and oh ! how i loved it !

In the next few days, I will be seeing the Wharves and Twofold Bay and boats and trawlers.  It is so very nice to not be alone. To be with my family. I am so lonely so much of the time.

And when I go home, I do believe I shall get rid of the double bed and get a single one.




LUNCHTIME and not one thing is packed. But I am thinking and in a minute I am going to lie back down and let the Gods organise the next little bit.

I have a good few things in place. The bookings on my phone and Virgin checked in online.

My brother is meeting me in Sydney and Arkue will take the 2nd half of the 5 hour wait. They both travel and fly a lot so I shall be comfortably taken care of.

As for me – I have a red hard shell suitcase to travel with. REX said it can be booked all the way through to Merimbula from Coffs.

I am a little weary now and shall take a nap. Then tonight – packing for the colder climes.